What have been your lockdown expectations of yourself?
And how often has the word ‘should’ come up in your self-talk or conversation with others:
I should have written that novel/painted the house/learned a new skill/tidied the garage.”
I should have got fitter/eaten healthier/drunk less.”
I should have contributed more often to the family zoom/quiz/online choir.”
I should have used all that time to reflect on my life and how I am going to live differently.”
I should have juggled home schooling with my own work better and been more patient with everyone.
‘Should’s are always a red flag to me – a trigger word that speaks of expectations of ourselves that are either unrealistic or someone else’s.
That is not always the case of course.
Sometimes, we need to acknowledge when we should indeed have done something – said sorry, made amends, let something go, been on time, bought the milk.
In those situations we identify what we should have done, and choose to learn from that. We take responsibility for where we went wrong, recognise what we CAN now do to rectify the situation, and take remedial action.
However, the use of the word ‘should’ is often used within the context of self recrimination.
And never more so than in recent weeks of considering how well or otherwise we have navigated our way through the complex and unknown territory of lockdown.
I was talking with someone yesterday about this. There has been a good deal of conversation on radio and social media about some of the lockdown projects folk have been undertaking.
Much of this is positive, encouraging and inspiring, and has kept us sane. I know that there have been a number of practical projects in this house that have brought structure, challenge, and a sense of measurable achievement. This has been really important in the midst of so much uncertainty and the removal of normal life parameters.
The danger is though that hearing of the projects and creativity of others can lead to a heightened comparison culture.
Compound this further by the fact that we live in a digitally connected and visual culture, where everything can be shared on Instagram and zoom allows you to see inside other people’s houses. Others are identifying this problem/lockdown phenomenon too, more here and here.
But remember that it is all too easy to curate what we allow others to see – I know that I angle my own computer when I am on a video call so that the background is carefully controlled to what I want others to see.
We do this with our lives to a greater or lesser extent all the time, which may well be the subject of a future blog.
But for now, consider with me the impact of your lockdown expectations of yourself.
What have you been telling yourself that you SHOULD have done? Or how you should have behaved?
And who is this according to – what voices are you listening to that tell you what you SHOULD have done? Are they the voices of others speaking of their own achievements and successes? Or the voice of yourself as you beat yourself up for not meeting your expectations?
Go a bit further and ask yourself – where did those expectations come from?
How realistic were they in the first place?
Given where we are now and what we know, what would you say to yourself if you were to meet the March 2020 version of you?
I know that for me, this is about two things.
First, take a reality check of the lockdown expectations of yourself.
Given the number of hours in the day, my commitments to family, work, friends, school etc, it is ludicrous to think that I could in reality have read all the books I expected to read these past months. I saw these months stretching ahead at the beginning of lockdown and expected to be able to read AND exercise AND complete DIY projects AND bake AND tidy/declutter AND have deep and meaningful conversations with MB AND take time to reflect quietly each day… AND all of this on top of my own work, two teenagers doing school at home, and a hyper-busy and over stretched MB.
Who am I kidding? What about you?
Second, celebrate what you HAVE done.
No, you may not have mastered sour dough bread or written your memoirs.
But you have put one foot in front of the other and got through it.
Everyone’s situation is different. There are those who have been furloughed, and have had time to use for creative and self development pursuits. Their experience is different from those who have had to juggle full time work going on line from home with seeking to instill some kind of education into children.
Both are valid, neither are wrong. But comparing one with the other and ending up with guilt because of unfulfilled expectations is unhelpful, exhausting and demoralising.
So this week, look at what you HAVE done throughout lockdown, and celebrate that.
Be kind to yourself and drop the ‘should’s when you are considering lockdown expectations of yourself.
Who you are is more important than what you do.